Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
