with your own penis?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
