Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
