Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
