last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
