We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
