Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
