you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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