They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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