John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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