On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Randomize
