Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
