Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
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