Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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