So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize