i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
