Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
