Your mouth is God's brothel.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
