You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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