Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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