if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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