just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
