Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
