I'm going to jail i love you
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize