Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
