My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
