My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Randomize
