my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
