Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
