And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Randomize
