She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
