those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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