big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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