I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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