Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
