On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
