Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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