If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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