so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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