I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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