our cab driver is having phone sex.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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