i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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