just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
