Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
