i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
