Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize