I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
