It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
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