Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I wish there were birth control emojis
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
