Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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