I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
