She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
