Having a random hookup so left but love u
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
