I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
