it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize