Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
