Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
