She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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